The Aspirations Coach: April 2012

Progress: Dealing with Anger

“You will not be punished for your anger; you will be punished by your anger” – Buddha

I’ve always been a bit of a soft touch so needless to say I didn’t do angry very well! I disliked how anger affected me, I got tense, my shoulders ached, I said or did things in the heat of the moment that I regretted and then I ended up feeling guilty. I never threw a drink over anyone, smashed things up or anything like that but I always felt lousy in myself when I was angry. I simply didn’t know how to handle negative emotions effectively.

As I got older, I realised that I needed to learn a better way of handling these negative emotions. I started to become fascinated with my own reactions when I felt angry. Angry emotions included everything from being mildly irritated to being angry, resentful, furious and even enraged. My mind started to analyse what had happened and after a while, I was able to see the situation/person was that I was angry with from a different perspective and then diffuse it in a constructive way.

I’m quite grateful that I’ve learnt how to do this and it’s often something I teach my clients. It can make such a huge difference to the quality of your relationships as you can avoid most of the crap that comes up when someone is angry.

So how do you do it?

Step 1: What’s the Message?

It’s important to understand that our emotions are there for a reason. They are a messaging system to tell us what’s going on and how we are feeling. The message of anger is that an important rule or standard that you hold for your life has been broken or violated by someone else, or even by you. When you get the message of anger, you need to understand that you can literally change this emotion in a moment by using step 2.

Step 2: What’s the Solution?

Realise that you may have misinterpreted the situation completely, that your anger about this person breaking your rules may be based on the fact that they don’t know what’s most important to you (even though you believe that they should!).

Realise that even if a person did violate one of your standards, your rules are not necessarily the right rules, even though you feel as strongly about them as you do. The other person may have a set of standards which are completely different to yours and which they also feel strongly about.

Ask yourself more empowering questions like ‘In the long run, is it true that this person really cares about me?’ Interrupt the anger by asking yourself ‘what can I learn from this? How can I communicate the importance of these standards I hold for myself to this person in a way that causes them to want to help me, and not violate my standards again in the future?’

Three point summary; if you’re angry:

Change your perception- maybe this person didn’t know your rules or standards?

Change your procedure- maybe you didn’t effectively communicate your real needs.

Change your behaviour- tell people up front, for example, ‘Hey, this is private. Please promise me you won’t share this with anybody; it’s really important to me.

Some people have difficulty adopting this method as it means that they have to take responsibility for their own anger and often, we just want to point the finger! I was exactly the same and so were most of the people who tried this for the first time. But I promise that if you follow through and persist with it, you’ll notice that you simply won’t experience anger as often.

I hope you enjoyed this issue of Progress! Please feel free to get in touch and share any of your thoughts or ideas with me via email/facebook/twitter! I’d love to hear from you! Also, if you have a topic or question you would like me to address, please just let me know!

Until next time,

Love and Respect,

Paula

About Me

My name is Paula Coogan and I am the owner of The Aspirations Coach, a Life and Career coaching business I set up in May 2011. My work is dedicated to supporting individuals in their 20’s and 30’s who have aspirations in any area of life. I firmly believe that we are all capable of so much more than what we currently think we are.

I am passionate about what I do and get such satisfaction from seeing my clients’ progress and reach their aspirations. I work with clients on a one-to-one basis for a minimum of 3 months, for more information please visit www.TheAspirationsCoach.com

E-mail: info@theaspirationscoach.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheAspirationsCoach
Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/paulacoogan

Progress is a free fortnightly ezine designed to support individuals in their 20’s and 30’s who wish to progress in all areas of life. You'll get free tips to help you push forward and create your ultimate life today.

Progress: Fear of Failure

I haven’t failed; I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work. –Thomas Edison

No one ever wants to think of themselves as a failure. We have such negative associations with the word! We think that if we fail at something, we will be embarrassed, we will lose respect from others and ourselves, we’ll lose our dreams, hopes and aspirations for that particular area we were attempting to master. It can be scary stuff and for many people, the fear of failure is what stops them from even trying.

What we always forget is that some sort of failure is inevitable if we are to succeed in life. My 14 month old nephew Jamie is fantastic at reminding me about this! He wasn’t afraid to try and walk and during his learning curve, he walked into walls, tumbled, fell down repeatedly but he always jumped up and went at it again! (Now I’m not for a moment calling my nephew a failure!) It’s really interesting to watch babies and kids learn because they accept and know that it will take them a while to get the hang of something. They do it at their own pace and they have so much fun learning.

The rest of us grown-ups unfortunately, are very aware of the notion of failure. We’ve been conditioned to fear failure. The thing is that many people are unsure how to overcome obstacles and potential failure and they are stopped dead in their tracks when things go pear-shaped. The ability to pick yourself up and get back on the horse is one big difference between the people who succeed and the people who just don’t get there.

So, knowing that overcoming obstacles is essential to tackling your fear of failure, what should you do? Here are some tips to help you overcome failure:

1. Pick yourself up and hold no regrets!

When things don’t work out, we’re often tempted to think that we have completely wasted our time. But that is never entirely true! Like Edison when he was inventing the light bulb; we have found a way that doesn’t work so our time hasn’t been wasted. We’ve learnt a lesson and we won’t try that exact path next time. We will try something different. Each failure you encounter increases your wisdom and brings you one step closer to success. If you adopt this mindset, you will see failure from a completely different perspective. You will see failure as an opportunity to learn.

2. Keep dreaming big dreams

Always have your destination in mind; keep dreaming your big dreams. Spend time visualising yourself already achieving them. Use your imagination to help you foresee and overcome potential obstacles in your path. The process of visualization was investigated during the preparation of Olympic athletes between 1980-1990. The athletes were hooked to the sophisticated biofeedback equipment and were asked to run their event only in their mind. What they found was that the same muscles fired in the same sequence when they were running the race only in their mind as they were running it on the track. So use your mind to practice overcoming obstacles and avoiding failure.

3. What’s the worst case scenario?

One of the most powerful questions posed by Tim Ferris in the 4 Hour Work Week is: If you chase your dreams and fall flat on your face, how long would it take you to recover? Ask yourself this question and I bet you’ll be surprised by the answer. Another question posed by Susan Jeffers in her best-selling book Feel the fear and do It Anyway is ‘If the worst thing possible happened, could you handle it?’ We all underestimate our own strength and by knowing you could handle the worst case scenario can give you the inner strength that you need to take the first step! Is the fear of a few difficult months strong enough to keep you in a place you’re unhappy with for the rest of your life?

4. Take action

The best way to reduce your fear and build your confidence is by taking action. By actually doing the very thing you are afraid of gives you back your power. Break it down into small manageable parts and do it at your own pace- but keep progressing. Make sure that you reward yourself for each step you complete- you have many years of negative conditioning to overcome so give yourself credit! If you’re not sure what to do, ask yourself ‘What would I do if I knew I couldn’t fail?’ If you are truthful is answering this, you will see that it’s only your fear that’s holding you back and you already know exactly what you need to do.

5. Burn the boats

One to think about! In battle, the ancient Greeks established a well-deserved reputation for bravery, discipline, and determination. They were successful because they were well trained, well lead, and most of all, well motivated. The Greeks were master motivators who understood how to instil commitment and prepare their soldiers for victory. To infuse their army with a spirit of commitment, the moment they landed on the enemy's shore, the Greek commanders would give the order to "burn the boats." Imagine the tremendous psychological impact on the soldiers as they watched their boats being set alight. There was no turning back. Once their boats were burned, they realized that the only way they were going home was through victory.

Are there any boats you need to burn to cement your commitment?

Until next time,

Love and Respect,

Paula

About Me

Email: info@theaspirationscoach.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheAspirationsCoach
Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/paulacoogan

The Aspirations Coach

Wednesday 25 April 2012

Dealing with Anger

Wednesday 11 April 2012

Fear of Failure