Dealing with Anger

Progress: Dealing with Anger

“You will not be punished for your anger; you will be punished by your anger” – Buddha

I’ve always been a bit of a soft touch so needless to say I didn’t do angry very well! I disliked how anger affected me, I got tense, my shoulders ached, I said or did things in the heat of the moment that I regretted and then I ended up feeling guilty. I never threw a drink over anyone, smashed things up or anything like that but I always felt lousy in myself when I was angry. I simply didn’t know how to handle negative emotions effectively.  

As I got older, I realised that I needed to learn a better way of handling these negative emotions. I started to become fascinated with my own reactions when I felt angry. Angry emotions included everything from being mildly irritated to being angry, resentful, furious and even enraged. My mind started to analyse what had happened and after a while, I was able to see the situation/person was that I was angry with from a different perspective and then diffuse it in a constructive way.

I’m quite grateful that I’ve learnt how to do this and it’s often something I teach my clients. It can make such a huge difference to the quality of your relationships as you can avoid most of the crap that comes up when someone is angry.

So how do you do it?

Step 1: What’s the Message?

It’s important to understand that our emotions are there for a reason. They are a messaging system to tell us what’s going on and how we are feeling. The message of anger is that an important rule or standard that you hold for your life has been broken or violated by someone else, or even by you. When you get the message of anger, you need to understand that you can literally change this emotion in a moment by using step 2.

Step 2: What’s the Solution?

1. Realise that you may have misinterpreted the situation completely, that your anger about this person breaking your rules may be based on the fact that they don’t know what’s most important to you (even though you believe that they should!).

2. Realise that even if a person did violate one of your standards, your rules are not necessarily the right rules, even though you feel as strongly about them as you do. The other person may have a set of standards which are completely different to yours and which they also feel strongly about.

3. Ask yourself more empowering questions like ‘In the long run, is it true that this person really cares about me?’ Interrupt the anger by asking yourself ‘what can I learn from this? How can I communicate the importance of these standards I hold for myself to this person in a way that causes them to want to help me, and not violate my standards again in the future?’

Three point summary; if you’re angry:

Change your perception- maybe this person didn’t know your rules or standards?

Change your procedure- maybe you didn’t effectively communicate your real needs.

Change your behaviour- tell people up front, for example, ‘Hey, this is private. Please promise me you won’t share this with anybody; it’s really important to me.

Some people have difficulty adopting this method as it means that they have to take responsibility for their own anger and often, we just want to point the finger! I was exactly the same and so were most of the people who tried this for the first time. But I promise that if you follow through and persist with it, you’ll notice that you simply won’t experience anger as often.  

I hope you enjoyed this issue of Progress! Please feel free to get in touch and share any of your thoughts or ideas with me via email/facebook/twitter! I’d love to hear from you! Also, if you have a topic or question you would like me to address, please just let me know!

Until next time,

Love and Respect,

Paula

About Me

My name is Paula Coogan and I am the owner of The Aspirations Coach, a Life and Career coaching business I set up in May 2011. My work is dedicated to supporting individuals in their 20’s and 30’s who have aspirations in any area of life. I firmly believe that we are all capable of so much more than what we currently think we are. 

I am passionate about what I do and get such satisfaction from seeing my clients’ progress and reach their aspirations. I work with clients on a one-to-one basis for a minimum of 3 months, for more information please visit www.TheAspirationsCoach.com

E-mail: info@theaspirationscoach.com

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Progress is a free fortnightly ezine designed to support individuals in their 20’s and 30’s who wish to progress in all areas of life. You'll get free tips to help you push forward and create your ultimate life today.